Reasons Why I'm Getting Married Today
- I'm not getting any younger.
- I'm old enough to know what's really important.
- Ted crafts a very charming personals ad.
- Ted was teaching a class on feminism when I met him.
- Ted took me to see Neko Case and Joe Pernice on our first date.
- We didn't leave my apartment for three days on our second date.
- Ted talks to my cats like they're people.
- Among the many gifts Ted has given me are: a set of pink Pyrex refrigerator dishes, pornographic trading cards, and a complete set of Simpsons pogs.
- Ted is totally on my side.
- I like myself better when I'm with Ted than when I'm not.
Itinerary for My Last Day as a Single Woman
9AM Get up. Drink coffee.
9AM11AM Lounge around the house. Eat something.
11AM1PM Paint nails. Paint toenails. Shower. Get dressed.
1PM Do the dishes. Clean the bathroom. Tidy up the living room.
2PM Pick up suit from dry cleaners.
2:30PM3:30PM Get a massage.
3:30PM Buy bottle of wine.
4PM5PM Take bottle of wine to backyard. Drink wine. Contemplate my life so far.
5PM5:30PM Try to think of crazy, madcap single-gal activities in which I might engage for the last time ever.
5:30PM Come to the conclusion that there's nothing I really want to do that I can't do with Ted.
5:31PM Feel very, very lucky. Realize that I've never been happier than I am right now.
5:32PM12AM Cook some dinner. Watch TV. Continue to wonder at my incredible good fortune.
12AM Go to bed. Find sleep difficult because I'm just so excited to be marrying Ted.
Wednesday Morning Shoe Report
I luved these shoes from the first moment I saw them. I didn't have the cash to buy them at the time, and I was overwhelmed with the anxiety of delayed consumer gratificationnot just the angst of not having what I want as soon as I want it, but that pain coupled with the intense fear that the object of my desire might no longer be available when the necessary funds materialize.
While I waited for some disposable income, I was occasionally afflicted by moments of doubt. What if these shoes were just a goofy impulse? Were they much too cute for a woman over 30? What if I bought them, only to wear them once and then condemn them forever to the back of the closet? What if I wasted $35 that could have been spent on makeup, art supplies, or booze?
Even as I vacillated, I monitored the availability of these limited edition shoes. I panicked a little when they were backordered at Delia's, and breathed a sigh of relief when they were still available on the Van's website. One glorious paycheck Friday, feeling fiscally flush and free-wheelin', I placed my order.
While I have made many ill-advised, poorly considered purchases in my dayI am easily beguiled by glitter and other shiny surfacesI'm totally glad I trusted my gut in this instance. I wear these sneakers all the time. They're perfect: the pink death's heads are menacing, but adorablethey appeal to my inner punk-rock teen, but with a wink. And I had forgotten than Van's are actually as comfortable as they look. Truly, I heart these shoes.
The Wedding Planner: Unmentionables
I bought a backless dress for my wedding reception. I don't know what in the hell I was thinking. I was, obviously, not thinking at all. Such is the splendor of this gown that I was rendered incapable of rational thought.
Had I been in my right mind, I would have realized that backless means braless, and I have not been publicly braless since I was twelve. Even my bathing suits have underwires. Without a bra, I might as well be naked.
One would think that my head would have cleared sufficiently to realize my error when I actually tried the dress on (it's from Bluefly, so I didn't have the chance before I bought it), but no. I was delighted with the way it fit in every way except through the bodice and, once again drunk on beauty, I thought to myself, "I just have to find the right bra." I said exactly the same thing to my mom and my sister when I tried on the dress for them, and they noddedwhether in agreement or the desire to placate me, I know not.
After having tried on mountains of lingeriecorsets, long-line brassieres, foam cups backed with adhesiveI can safely say that there is no right bra for this dress. I realized that it was time to give up hope when I found myself wondering how I might find a local beauty pageant consultant who would no how to tape breasts. So, having officially ended my search for the right bra, I have two choices: I can either find a new dress, or I can attend my wedding reception braless.
I'm really not sure which option is more harrowing.
While I usually have a good relationship with my breasts, this experience has pumped new life into my worst body-image fears. My aesthetic self-esteem, fragile at the best of times, withers away completely after sustained exposure to the fluorescent glare of department-store dressing rooms, and it would take a much stronger woman than me to feel fabulous while spilling out of heavily-boned foundation garments. Thus, the confidence I would require to be a braless bride was quite thoroughly ground out of me as I tried on bra after ill-fitting bra.
As for finding a new dress, I don't have the time, the money, or the emotional energy to begin a new search. And, I do truly love the dress I already have.
I really don't know what I'm going to do. I'm thinking that, for a few days at least, I'm going to ignore the problem. Ultimately, I'll probably resign myself to bralessness, and hope to achieve the moxie required to pull it off between now and the reception. Then, as I prepare for the nuptial cocktail party, I will probably add a festive, fortifying new step to my toilette. To my knowledge, gin has never been regarded as a beauty product, but I'm pretty sure I'll be throwing a flask into my makeup bag.
Wednesday Morning Shoe Report
This is how the web is supposed to work: you Google "shoe history" and find something as rich, informative, and gorgeous as Solemates: The Century in Shoes. A series of essaysone for each decade of the 20th centurydescribe the footwear of the period and put shoes in a larger cultural context. There are little movies from each era, advertisements, and many lovely photos of sandals, pumps, and boots.
[YELLOW SILK EVENING SLIPPER WITH FLORAL ACCENTS COURTESY OF SOLEMATES: THE CENTURY IN SHOES.]
The American Traveler International Apology Shirt
Ted, my fiancé, and I are planning a honeymoon in the British Isles, and I can't decide which would be better: a couple of these t-shirts, or slapping Canadian flag stickers and patches on all our clothes and gear.
I am a Grammar God
It is my mission in life to preserve the English tongue. I'll die before I use "they" as a singular pronoun.
Wednesday Morning Shoe Report
Sarah Hand used to make fun of my fondess for flip-flops. "You wear them like they're shoes," she once remarked. Flip-flops have always been my summer footwear of choice, even when the rest of the population considered them appropriate only for the shower at the gym or for walking from the car to the beach. Finally, though, the rest of the world has caught up with me. There's never been a more exciting array of flip-flop options than there is right now.
These shoes were all the rage last summer. This pair cost me a pretty penny at eBay when they were completely sold out at Sigerson Morrison, but, from the first time I saw them in Lucky, I knew I had to have them. This summer, knockoffs aboundI've seen similar shoes for $10but I'm still glad I bought mine when I did. It's not that easy to be au courant when you live in the midwest, but, for several glorious months, I was exceedingly fashion-forward, footwise.
The Wedding Planner: Jennifer Lopez
Several months ago, back when Jennifer was still Bennifer, Us Weekly ran a feature speculating on what her next wedding dress would look like. They included photos from her first two weddings, which I thought was kind of cold, but I guess they did provide some insight into her taste in nuptial attire. Judging from the limited photo evidence and related information so far available, I think I approve of her choice.
We know that the gown is Vera Wang. I'm not wearing a wedding dress myself, but, as a consumer of bridal magazines, I am well-acquainted with Ms. Wang's recent work. Her standard collection remains pretty straightforwardnice, but not extraordinary. Her luxe collection, however, is wonderfully kookyvery goth, lots of fur tippets ostrich feather headbands and black trim. I hope J. Lo took advantage of the designer's new daring. It does look like the dress showcases her magnificent ass, which is nice.
[PHOTO BORROWED, SANS PERMISSION, FROM ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT'S LOPEZ-ANTHONY WEDDING ALBUM.]