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One Celebrity, One Vote

In their October 11 issue, the civic-minded folks at Us Weekly asked a variety of celebrities to give a shout out to their presidential candidate of choice. I want to make your trip to the ballot box even easier by taking that bit of infotainment one step further. In the following article, you will not only learn how Leonardo DiCaprio and Shannen Doherty plan to vote, but I have also rated each celebrity according to a highly subjective but, I think, fair set of criteria, and tallied up each celebrity’s worth according to that system. With these ratings, I am able to give John Kerry and George Bush a “Celebrity Quotient,” which will, I hope, be helpful to all you undecided voters out there. If we can’t turn to celebrities for political insight, where can we turn?

Voting for John Kerry

Mena Suvari
Overall hotness: +1
Appearing in an upcoming movie with Queen Latifah, Ice Cube, and Keshia Knight Pullman: +3
Appearing in several recent movies I’ve never heard of: -2
The fact that one of those movies is a drug movie by a Swedish director starring Jason Schwartzman: +2
The fact that that same movie also features Brittany Murphy and Mickey Rourke: -2
Ability to capitalize on American Beauty and American Pie fame: -2
Total: -3

Natalie Portman
Overall hotness: +3
Being Queen Amidala: +3
The fact that Star Wars Episodes 1 and 2 totally sucked: -2
Starred in Garden State: +3
Graduated from Harvard: +3
Dated Gael García Bernal: +5
Total: +15

Ben Affleck
Overall hotness: -1
One crappy movie after another: -4
Bennifer: -5
Except that Jennifer Lopez is totally hot: +3
Currently dating Jennifer Garner: +3
Couldn’t he have found someone not named “Jennifer”?: -2
Seems serious about his political convictions: +5
Total: 0

Leonardo DiCaprio
Overall hotness: 0
Overall hotness of frequent girlfriend Gisele Bündchen: +4
Works often with Martin Scorcese: +4
Takes risks as an actor: +5
But still starred in the highest-grossing movie in the history of movies: +4
Total: +17

Sarah Jessica Parker
Overall hotness: +2
Sex and the City: +4
The fact that I have never seen Sex and the City because I’m pretty sure I would hate it: -3
Square Pegs: +5
Those Gap commercials with Lenny Kravitz: -4
Taste in clothes when she’s not in a Gap ad: +4
Has successfully maintained a longterm relationship with another actor: +4
That actor was Ferris Bueller: +2
Total: +14

Selma Blair
Overall hotness: +4
Appearing in a John Waters movie: +4
Wearing enormous fake tits in that movie: +5
Taste in clothes when she’s not appearing in a John Waters movie: +4
Kissed Sarah Michelle Gellar in Cruel Intentions: +5
Married to a Zappa: +2
Graduated from the University of Michigan: +5
Loves animals: +5
Total: +34

John Kerry’s Celebrity Quotient: +77


Voting for George Bush

Bruce Willis
Overall hotness: -1
Went bald gracefully by shaving head: +3
Moonlighting: +4
Armageddon: -5
Pulp Fiction: +5
Disney’s The Kid: -5
The Sixth Sense: +4
Die Hard 4.0: -5
The fact that Die Hard With a Vengeance should totally have been called “Die Hardest”: -2
Seems to be a pretty good sport about the whole Demi/Ashton thing: +3
Not satisfied with day job: -4
Total: -3

Elizabeth Hasselbeck
Overall hotness: +2
Second cutest girl ever on Survivor, after Colleen: +4
Ability to parlay reality-show fame into an actual career, as opposed to Playboy pictorial: +4
Married to a football player: -3
Total: +7

Angie Harmon
Overall hotness: +2
Sexy husky voice: +3
Not married to an actor: +3
Married to a football player: -3
Law & Order: +3
Work since leaving Law & Order: -4
Total: +4

Shannen Doherty
Overall hotness: 0
Overall hotness when not playing Brenda Walsh: -2
Lost her TV virginity to Dylan McKay: +5
Heathers: +5
Pretty much everything she’s done since Heathers and Beverly Hills 90210: -3
Except Satan’s School for Girls: +4
Not invited to Tori Spelling’s wedding: -3
Married to Rick Salomon: -4
Divorced from Rick Salomon: +3
Rick Salomon was her second husband: -2
Reputation as a psycho: -4
Sentenced to anger management classes: -5
Total: -11

Stephen Baldwin
Worst of all Baldwins: -5
I mean, really just look at this picture: -5
Or this one: -5
How about this one?: -5
Um, seriously, do I have to say anything else?: -5
Total: -20

George Bush’s Celebrity Quotient: -23

So, to recap: Based on a random sampling of the famous, semi-famous, and formerly famous gleaned from the pages of Us Weekly, John Kerry has a Celebrity Quotient that’s 100 points higher than George Bush’s. Remember this when you go to the polls November 2.

I, of course, will be voting for Peabs.

October 12, 2004 | Permalink

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