“There is an unusual number of planets in Scorpio.”

I just got my horoscope done. I used the services of Ophira Edut. Ms Edut is one half of the Astro Twins, the foxy ladies who provide astrological forecasts for Teen People. By having them do my chart, I join such celebrity clients as Paris Hilton (Aquarius), Beyonce (Virgo), and Outkast (André 3000 is a Gemini).

My work-up was not full of surprises. Like a Tarot-card reading or a typical session of the talking cure, I generally find astrological information to be more stimulating than revelatory; that is, it gives me a fresh way of looking at stuff I already know rather than telling me anything new. I’m a Scorpio—my birthday is November 12, should you like to send a gift—so my chart is full of commentary on my charisma, imagination, and intellectual curiosity. However, words like “powerful” and “loyal” are modified by the recurrence of “obnoxious” and “obsessive”. More than once, I am warned that my intensity can make others “uneasy (and even fearful)”.

Of course, while I appreciate these not-so-gentle reminders to play nice, being a Scorpio my inclination is to shrug and say, “Love it or shove it.” Indeed, reading my astrological report, I was gratified to discover how truly Scorpionic I am. In the wheel of my star chart, almost all the planets are clustered around my sun sign. Mars, Venus, Jupiter, Neptune, Mercury, Sagittarius: They’re all there, like adoring hangers-on surrounding the most sparkly guest at the celestial cocktail party.

So, now that I think about it, I guess I didn’t employ my chart so much as an aid to fresh self-examination as I used it to revel in the things I like about myself and extend yet another in a long line of middle fingers at the suggestion that I tone it down a bit. Toning it down a bit is for Capricorns. Viva la Scorpio!