Happy Valentine’s Day

So, on the syllabus for this literary theory class I’m taking, the professor included “Literary Valentines?” among our activities for tonight’s class. I considered this a challenge, so I created a reader-response Valentine to pass out to my colleagues in the Seminar in Critical Problems (doesn’t that just scream “graduate school”?). I am sure that it is going to induce eye-rolling in my fellow students, and it will no doubt be seen as a tangible manifestation of my unwillingness (inability?) to shut the fuck up—ever.* On the other hand, there may be, I don’t know, 17 people in the world who will find this amusing, and I post it here in the hopes that at least 1 or 2 of them visit this blog. Happy Valentine’s Day.

* Hey, Mawrters: Remember how we used to make fun of McBrides? Remember how they would dominate classes and ask questions towards the end of the hour that were absolutely, positively going to force us all to stay late? Well, as you may or may not know, I was a McBride myself when I finally finished my degree, and I totally remain one in spirit.

Happy Birthday, Sarah Hand

Short Story: “The Girl with the Iron Foot”

My first piece of published fiction has just appeared in the January/February issue of New Moon, a magazine edited by girls, for girls. It’s a story called “The Girl with the Iron Foot.” If you’re interested in reading it, I encourage you to purchase a copy of this worthy publication. If, however, you just can’t wait, you can download a pdf version of the entire issue right now. My story starts on page thirty-six.

[ILLUSTRATION BY JENIKA WATKINS]

My Contribution to the Urban Dictionary

Every time he contemplated all the cryptic little icons on his cell phone’s screen, Walter was so overcome by Featureschmerz that he couldn’t even place a call.

Thrift Scores for Week Ending September 8

Toy Accordion: $4

Vintage Halloween Candles (Witch, Owl): 25¢

November twenty-six, nineteen hundred sixty-three by Wendell Berry, designed and illustrated by Ben Shahn: 25¢

Bolt of Vintage Fabric (Aqua Chiffon with Chenille Dots): $6

Barkcloth Apron: $1

Vintage Soup Bowls: $2

A Few Snapshots from My Family’s Trip to Springfield

[THANKS TO 20TH CENTURY FOX, BURGER KING, AND CRISPIN PORTER + BOGUSKY FOR MAKING THIS POSSIBLE.]

Some Items I Purchased at Rummage and Garage Sales Last Weekend

Vintage Tupperware Ice Tups set (50¢)
Egg separator (10¢)
Electric skillet ($2)
Flat Stanley by Jeff Brown (25¢)
Toasts and Forms of Public Address by William Pittenger ($1)
Children’s Hour: 3 Games (10¢)
Bennett Cerf’s Book of Animal Riddles (25¢)
Le Creuset 1¼ Quart Saucepan ($1)
Figures from Fisher-Price Circus (75¢)
Complete Nursery Song Book by Inez Bertail, illustrated by Walt Kelly (50¢)
The Jumblies by Edward Lear, drawings by Edward Gorey (25¢)
Print of Boy Jesus in the Temple (75¢)

Things on Which My Cat, Miss Piggy, Has Peed

• The kitchen floor


• The basement floor


• My Spanish workbook


• My messenger bag, which contained my Spanish textbook, homework, and PDA


• A crate full of CDs


• My portfolio, which contained a semester’s worth of artwork

To Boldly Go Where No Kitsch Has Gone Before

Ted found this while clipping coupons. I believe my jaw actually dropped when he showed it to me.

Didn’t Get the Memo

I am a misanthrope. I am also a linguistic snob. It stands to reason, then, that much of what comes out of the mouths of other humans drives me crazy. Seth Sonderling, my friend and fellow Scorpio, knows just how I feel. Please enjoy his deliciously angry Top 10 Banned Phrases for 2006. And be warned: If I hear any of you uttering these banalities, I’m telling Seth, and he’ll put the smack down on you.

I’m Neit

Indeed, I am 79% erudite, 83% sensual, 70% martial, and 79% saturnine.

Neit, who was said to have emerged from the primeval water to create the world, is one of the oldest Egyptian Goddesses. Although the Egyptians believed that Neit was of both a masculine and feminine nature, as she was self-produced, she was usually depicted as a woman.

The Egyptians believed her to be an ancient and wise Goddess, to whom the other Gods came if they could not resolve their own disputes. Besides being the ruler of the lower Heavens, she was also the patron to hunt and warfare, domestic arts, mysticism, as well as women and marriage. All this makes her some kind of a “jane-of-all-trades.”

As a deity, Neit is often shown carrying a bow and arrows, linking her to hunting and warfare, other times she is shown with a sceptre, symbol of rule and power, and the ankh, symbol of life.

Which goddess are you?

The Whole Wheel of Cheese

I live close to campus, and I pass a lot of student housing on my walk to and fro school. Thus, I walk past a lot of trash-strewn lawns—lots of beer bottles, fast-food wrappers, and the big plastic cups that you get when you buy a keg. Anyhoo, I walked past this discarded Camel Lights packet many, many times before I decided to send it off to my friends at Found Magazine. It was only when I picked it up that I discovered that there was a message on the back, too.

I’ve got to tell you, I’m pretty glad that I wasn’t at this party. And I’ve got a feeling that these kids won’t be getting their security deposit back, neither.

Miu Miu Has Writer’s Block

5 Fun Facts about Debby Jernigan, My Mom

She speaks fluent Spanish, and her French isn’t bad, either.

She keeps little bottles of Asti Spumante in the fridge for semi-special occasions—and by “semi-special occasions” I pretty much mean any and all occasions that might be made semi-special with the addition of Asti Spumante.

When she sees shoes she likes, she buys at least one pair in every color.

Her motto: Nobody ever said life is fair.

Today is her birthday.

Fantasy Fashion League: Season Opener

As the jewel-encrusted stilettos and metallic strappy sandals hit the red carpet at the Emmys, the Fantasy Fashion League kicked off its inaugural season, and my team came out fighting. Shocking Pink—named in honor of Elsa Schiaparelli—is currently in third place on my league, and well within striking distance of the top slot.

Dior was Shocking Pink’s MVP, scoring significant points during the ceremony, and the design house promises to be a steady presence in the fashion press as it celebrates its 100th anniversary.

However, Sunday night, Shocking Pink was slightly stymied by a total lack of TV celebrities on the roster. Orange Is My New Pink, currently ranked first in my league, boasts queen of all media and very stylish young woman Jessica Simpson—she was one of my top draft picks, but I didn’t get her—and #2 team Shiny Pink Mary Janes has both Eva Longoria and Teri Hatcher. Nevertheless, now that this television-dominated event is behind us, I expect my celebrity players—Scarlett Johannson, Cate Blanchett, and Kate Hudson—to pick up some serious momentum.

The Art of Exploitation

Take a break from your busy day and stroll through this virtual gallery of exploitation movie posters. Some are disingenuously outraged, others are graphically delicious, and all of them are just delightful.

[THANKS TO MY HUSBAND, TED, FOR BRINGING THIS TO MY ATTENTION.]

Cats in Sinks

Pretty much every Friday since he read this article last year, my husband has asked me why I haven’t started cat blogging. It’s true that Miu Miu and Miss Piggy are outstanding felines—they possess both good looks and great personalities—and I have always appreciated Ted’s excellent and adorable relationship with the pets. However, while I am happy to swap amusing pet anecdotes and photos with my fellow cat fanciers, I do not assume that cat-related content is of interest to the general public.

Then Ted sent me a link to catsinsinks.com. So weirdly specific, yet so surprisingly universal. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do, and I hope you enjoy my own cat in a sink.

GOOD DEED: I realize that the human victims of Hurricane Katrina still need our help—the Red Cross is always a good choice for donations—but the animal lovers among you might like to know that Petfinder.com is accepting contributions for shelters and rescue organizations along the Gulf Coast.

“Enough About Me #20: In Which the Author, Nearing His Publication Date, Offers 10 Tips on How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Interview”

If you’ve ever been an interviewer or an interviewee, if you’ve ever read or watched or listened to an interview, you may find this amusing. I certainly did.

[THANKS TO MY HANDSOME HUSBAND, TED, FOR THE LINK.]

“There is an unusual number of planets in Scorpio.”

I just got my horoscope done. I used the services of Ophira Edut. Ms Edut is one half of the Astro Twins, the foxy ladies who provide astrological forecasts for Teen People. By having them do my chart, I join such celebrity clients as Paris Hilton (Aquarius), Beyonce (Virgo), and Outkast (André 3000 is a Gemini).

My work-up was not full of surprises. Like a Tarot-card reading or a typical session of the talking cure, I generally find astrological information to be more stimulating than revelatory; that is, it gives me a fresh way of looking at stuff I already know rather than telling me anything new. I’m a Scorpio—my birthday is November 12, should you like to send a gift—so my chart is full of commentary on my charisma, imagination, and intellectual curiosity. However, words like “powerful” and “loyal” are modified by the recurrence of “obnoxious” and “obsessive”. More than once, I am warned that my intensity can make others “uneasy (and even fearful)”.

Of course, while I appreciate these not-so-gentle reminders to play nice, being a Scorpio my inclination is to shrug and say, “Love it or shove it.” Indeed, reading my astrological report, I was gratified to discover how truly Scorpionic I am. In the wheel of my star chart, almost all the planets are clustered around my sun sign. Mars, Venus, Jupiter, Neptune, Mercury, Sagittarius: They’re all there, like adoring hangers-on surrounding the most sparkly guest at the celestial cocktail party.

So, now that I think about it, I guess I didn’t employ my chart so much as an aid to fresh self-examination as I used it to revel in the things I like about myself and extend yet another in a long line of middle fingers at the suggestion that I tone it down a bit. Toning it down a bit is for Capricorns. Viva la Scorpio!

“That's a pretty wild accusation coming from a giant leprechaun with gerbil wings.” Seth Sonderling interviews Tammi Littlenut

Bon vivant, man about town, elite Scorpio: My friend Seth is all these things—all these things and much, much more. He’s also a columnist over at the Used Wigs, and it’s in that capacity that he recently interviewed Maria Thayer, the actress who portrays Tammi Littlenut of Strangers with Candy, on screens both small and big. This is a must-read for SWC fans, folks with a redhead fetish, and anyone who enjoys eavesdropping on two clever conversationalists.

“He’s all crushed out, obvs.”

What a sweet little story.

[CELEBRITY PHOTO BY UNCLE GRAMBO OF WHATEVS.ORG]

What kind of American English do you speak?

My Linguistic Profile
70% General American English
15% Upper Midwestern
5% Dixie
5% Midwestern
5% Yankee

I think my use of the word “cruller” and my occasional “y’all” (it really is a very useful word) account for my Yankee and Dixie quotient. I have no idea what the difference between Midwestern and Upper Midwestern is, although I suspect that one of them includes my pronunciation of “pajamas” and “aunt”. When I attended college on the Eastern Seaboard, I was roundly mocked for saying “pop” instead of “soda”. Finally, on what planet do people say “The devil is beating his wife” when it’s sunny out and raining?

What kind of American English do you speak?

[THANKS TO RUSTY FOR THE QUIZ LINK.]

Which Religion Is the Right One for You? (New Version)

Last week, I was both crazy busy—two exams and a paper due—and a tad under the weather. I think we can all agree that such a combination of phenomena is, in a word, bullshit. I did, however, find the time to do a little soul-searching, by which I mean that I took an online quiz entitled “Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)”.

I was not at all shocked to learn that I am agnostic, nor was I previously unaware of the appeal of Buddhism and Paganism. I was, however, a tad surprised to see Judaism at the bottom of the percentile pack, as I think it’s a wonderful religion—so bookish! I was even more disconcerted to see that I am theoretically as inclined towards Satanism as I am towards the Hebrew faith, as I generally generally regard Satanists as idiots (except for Jayne Mansfield, who was hot), while I’m just wild about Jews.

Anyhoo, you can see my results below and take the quiz yourself at QuizFarm.com.

Agnosticism		67%
Buddhism		63%
Paganism		58%
Atheism		54%
Christianity		50%
Islam		50%
Hinduism		38%
Satanism		21%
Judaism		21%

I Am a Woman Pirate

Yarr. Ye won't be taking no liberties with the female buccaneer. Truly a bastion of feminism, ye woman pirate will seize ye gold, cut off ye genitals and wear them as a necklace, all before her morning grog. Empowering. Yarrr.

The votes are in. You, dear readers, have decided that I am a Woman Pirate, although I got almost as many votes for Heartthrob Pirate, and I thank you all—not just for participating, but for your refreshingly gender-neutral approach to the question.

If you’d like to meet more foxy ladies of the high seas, check out this list—at the very least, you should introduce yourself to my own favorite female chieftain and buccaneer, Gráinne Ni Mhaille. If you would like to find out what kind of pirate you are, take the test at Rum and Monkey.

What Kind of Pirate Am I?

Yarr. I would very much like to know what kind of pirate I am, but I need your help. Please, if you have a moment, take a stroll over to Rum & Monkey and cast your vote. Please be aware that, although “Woman Pirate” is an option, you should consider me gender neutral for the purposes of this exercise; if, however, you feel that “Woman Pirate” best describes me, please vote accordingly.

Yarr.

I Heart

Soul Journey by Gillian Welch
“Miss Ohio”: possibly best song ever.

Dubliners by James Joyce
These stories improve immensely with repeated readings, and they’re pretty damn good the first time.

“Everyone This, Everyone That, Everyone Bafangool” by Seth Sonderling
“That’s who I want to be. Tina Turner encouraging a spastic child.”

The Aztec Empire at The Guggenheim
If you appreciate pottery that’s been distressed to look like flayed human skin, this show’s for you!

Ultra Bland by Lush
So nice for dry winter skin.

Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone by Deborah Madison
Most besplattered recipe? Dal with Coconut Cream, page 304.

“Things I’d Probably Say if the Bush Administration Were Just a Weekly TV Show and I Were a Regular Viewer” by Eric Maierson
“They really expect us to believe that?”

What Is Beat? by The English Beat
Skankarific!

What’s on My Coffee Table?

1 Family Guy, Volume 1 Looking for a Dada sitcom? This is it. Ted and I like to watch an episode or two over supper, except when I make us eat at the table.
2 New York Times Book Review (December 5, 2004) This is the “Holiday Books” issue, which will take me a couple of weeks to work through.
3 Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Complete First Season In the afternoons, I like a little Buffy. I’m at the beginning of a new cycle.
4 Squirt Bottle This is for when the cats are bad, like when they sharpen their claws on the sofa.
5 Us Weekly When I get a new issue of Us Weekly—I have a subscription—I check out the front matter first, and then the cosmetic reviews. I save the “substantive” articles for the stairmaster. I haven’t been to the gym in a little while, so I have a bit of a backlog.
6 Stereo Remote It’s nice to not have to get up. (See previous entry.)
7 The New Yorker (December 6, 2004) Apparently, I got a couple of pages into Louis Menand’s latest joint before I decided to do something else. I’m sure I’ll finish it eventually.
8 George W. Bush Coasterisms™, Series 2 I bought these for Ted awhile ago. They were kind of funny before the election. Now, they’re just sad. This one says, “I think we agree, the past is over.” As I said: just sad.
9 Home Maintenance for Dummies Ted was looking at this yesterday, trying to figure out when we should have the furnace serviced. It turns out that we should have had it serviced before we turned it on. C’est la vie.
10 Flowers in the Dustbin: The Rise of Rock and Roll, 1947-1977 (Advance Reader’s Copy) Ted picked this up when I was working for Borders. We both miss the free books. We miss them a lot.
11 Rolling Stone (December 9, 2004) This is the “500 Greatest Songs of All Time” issue. Ted has had a subscription to Rolling Stone as long as I’ve known him, and I swear that every issue of this magazine he’s gotten since I met him is the _____ Greatest _____ of _____ issue. Except for the issue before this one, which was the “Eminem Is All Grown Up: See, He’s Wearing a Suit” issue.
12 Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Complete Seventh Season
13 The New York Times Book Review (November 21, 2004) This is “The Poetry Issue”. I really don’t care for poetry, but I feel like I should. Thus, this issue will remain on the coffee table for several weeks—possibly many months.
14 The Atlantic (December 2004) Ted has a subscription to The Atlantic. I have a subscription to The New Yorker. If one of us had a subscription to Harper’s, we’d be the perfect couple.
15 The Simpsons, the Complete Fourth Season This DVD set was released on the same day as Family Guy, Volume 1and the seventh season of Buffy. Target had them all for $17.99. That was pretty sweet.
16 Martha Stewart Living (December 2004) I admire Martha Stewart, and I enjoy her magazine. Her unfortunate incarceration has no impact on my appreciation of her work.
17 Lucky (December 2004) Everybody knows, I luv this magazine.
18 Esquire’s The Sexiest Playing Cards in the World In England, where Ted and I spent our honeymoon, all magazines seem to come with a free gift. For example, I got a silk scarf by Orla Kiely with a fashion mag. Ted bought a copy of Esquire so that we could play cards—sexy cards—on the train.

My Favorite Playboy Playmate Ever

Please entertain yourself with Fran Gerard, Miss March 1967, while I enjoy the final week of my honeymoon.

I’m a Narcissist

While I seem perfectly nice at first, the moment I reveal my true colors, other people mostly wish I’ll get hit by a car. I’m in serious need of a reality check. If people want to be my friend, they sure as hell better live up to my standards, which are so impossible to match that I will probably die a bitter, lonely old hag. Haha.

Which personality disorder do you have?

I’m a Book and Language Snob

I speak eloquently and have seemingly read every book ever published. I am a fountain of endless (sometimes useless) knowledge, and never fail to impress at a party. What people love: I can answer almost any question people ask, and have thus been nicknamed Jeeves. What people hate: I constantly correct their grammar and insult their paperbacks.

What kind of elitist are you?

[NB: I couldn’t help but notice that the creator of this quiz used “compliment” when she meant “complement.” Quiz link via Bookslut.]

I am a Grammar God

It is my mission in life to preserve the English tongue. I'll die before I use "they" as a singular pronoun.

How grammatically sound are you?

I'm Mediumspringgreen

mediumspringgreenmediumspringgreenmediumspringgreengreenenn

I am mediumspringgreen. My dominant hues are cyan and green. Although I definitely strive to be logical, I care about people and I know there's a time and place for thinking emotionally. My head rules most things, but my heart rules others, and getting them to meet in the middle takes a lot of my energy some days.

My saturation level is very high—I'm all about getting things done. The world may think I work too hard, but I have a lot to show for it, and it keeps me going. I shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if I'm doing it, it'll be done right.

My outlook on life is bright. I see good things in situations where others may not be able to, and it frustrates I to see them get down on everything.

What hexadecimal color are you?

[THANKS TO SPACEFEM FOR THE COOL QUIZ, AND THANKS TO TED, MY FIANCÉ, FOR BRINGING IT TO MY ATTENTION. TED, BY THE WAY, IS DARKOLIVEGREEN.]